Gut Instinct

Sometimes my gut instinct does not make sense. I obey it anyway. Still have those conversations and questions and that stuff germane to obedience of things beyond our understanding. The little guy with wings on one shoulder and the little guy with horns on the other and the whisper of “Come on, it will be alright.”. Still have those inner debates that border somewhere between polite argument and out and out war. Luckily, I have been guided, cajoled, broken, controlled, directed, encouraged, inspired, monitored, ordered, nudged, force fed, slam dunked, and loved by some very wise and wonderful people over the years to be a good boy and do what is right. My wingedness usually trumps my horniness. Most of the time….more and more….enough to make me better and keep me human too. That is my story and I am sticking to it.

Still the conversations about what to do and when and why and all of that continue. Now the conversations are inside my own head, most of the time. The good guy wins because I listen to my gut instinct rather than my ego that knows exactly what to do and exactly when to do it. Otherwise, I would not have put on that CD for yesterday’s energy session.

The CD was exactly wrong. I knew the session needed a different musical energy than a regular massage one. That was the easy part. Knew that at the outset. Opened Sacred Space, selected the right incense, ensured the table and supplies were ready, and headed upstairs to find just the right sound. Something that was there…just waiting for me to know it when I saw it. Ideas sprung forth and a particular CD came to mind. My hands moved cases to find that one while my eyes looked at what shifted in the search. Each movement assured. Guided. Comforted. Then a CD surfaced and I had one of those hmmmmm’s. Didn’t remember it was there. Didn’t know I ever had it really. Yet it intrigued. It moved to my hand, then to my eyes, and into my mind. It went downhill from there, control wise. The CD was exactly wrong and I knew exactly why. There is sat though….in my hand…….staring back up at me. Taunting. Hmmmmm. The pause was deliberate. The deliberation short. My gut said take it down stairs. Give it a listen. So I did. Well trained and docile servant to the Muses of touch.

Even in the session space, it was wrong. Exactly wrong. Would result in a completely different session for the client. Yet the CD sat there. It might have chuckled but that was likely my imagination. I pondered and wondered and did all those things we do when we are guided to do something that just doesn’t make sense. Being the good boy I am, the CD stayed.

The session did not go as planned. It headed off in a direction so different that I was stunned only slightly less than the client. The CD was almost forgotten in the shift. When it was remembered, it was exactly right for the session. A session of deep and penetrating lessons that reverberates even today. A session that opened me to my truth as much, if not more, than it did the client. A win-win exchange of therapist and client that fostered trust for both in something far greater than the sum of two wholes.

My gut instinct does not make much sense sometimes. That is when it needs to be obeyed to be understood. Overriding it would mean I know better than whatever it is that put me here and wants me to do my best with all I am and all I have. Heck, I don’t know better than whatever created me and everything else that ever was, is, and ever will be. That much I understand. Thanks to my gut instinct yesterday, I understand it a bit better today.