About Time (Happy New Year)

The clock speaks less.

Time is more in my hands.

What is done when moves behind what is done.

Up at such and such.

Sleep at such and such.

Less and less than such and such.

The flow schedules itself.

Fluid movement just in time.

Eating what feels right when hungry nourishes.

Now happens between what just happened and what will happen.

Does anyone really know what time it is?

Can we be late when we are right where we need to be?

How important is exactness in the scheme of things?

Do you take the time or give it away banking on tomorrow?

Hitler ensured the trains ran on schedule and moved dark secrets very effectively.

Stress is free with the price of your ticket to the big show of commence.

Rolex ‘em if you’ve got ‘em.

Timex marks the liver spots.

A sweep second hand. My Kingdom for a sweep second hand.

Meant to.

Should have.

Would have.

Could have.

If I had known.

If I had it to do over.

If I had a second chance.

If I had known.

Happiness is now, later is the ultimate unknown.

Time is on my side.

I am the no man it waits for.

It is measured in cycles of light and dark and warm and cold.

A few Winters we have and this is just after one and maybe before another.

Time is a second away from forever.

Sloppy seconds make for minute lives.

Sundials, Hourglasses, Egg Timers, and Mickey’s hands.

Time is in the moments.

Here is my kiss with Twelve o’clock high hands.

Marking this moment forever.

Yule 6

The Yule is of children. All children. That is why all crave Yule for all seek the child they were and always would be. Look inside of yourself and see the child that you were in the fourth and fifth year. This is your own child of Yule. This is the child that shapes what you long to be. This is the child that defines what makes you happy and how you see the world and those in it. This is the child that must be fully known for you to live your destiny.

The time between then and now was the journey to destiny. To gather resources. Knowledge. Skills. Understanding. Then to return to a place where that child can be brought forth again and use all that was learned on the journey to live its destiny.

That is why we crave Yule so much. The child cries in wonder if this is season that it will come forth and live as it did when in the fourth and fifth year yet use all it knows. For many cycles, there is a glimmer of hope but then the journey moves the child forth into the world again. The true Yule is the one where you complete the circle and live your destiny as sure, as safe, as free, and as happy as you were when in the fourth and fifth year of this realm.

Look hard at the what, who, where, how of that when and see the answers that have screamed at you for so long. Find Those that understand this and present in trust. Yule then is forever.

Yule 5

A rose in the snow draws the attention of all around since it seems out of place. That one rose will draw more to it than the field of roses in spring for the field is lovely but also right as and where it should be. Merely another aspect of the wonders of spring that blends so beautifully with millions of other wonders common to that time. Common things in uncommon settings or different times become wondrous.

Yule 5

A rose in the snow draws the attention of all around since it seems out of place. That one rose will draw more to it than the field of roses in spring for the field is lovely but also right as and where it should be. Merely another aspect of the wonders of spring that blends so beautifully with millions of other wonders common to that time. Common things in uncommon settings or different times become wondrous.

Yule 4

Pack not this Yule away in a box. Take it inside your heart and carry it forth so that Yule shapes each of the seasons that follow. Yule is the key to open the door to your own happiness as you connect to those that move far beyond the gift of now. Link to those that know of you and your gifts. Each act then multiplies and more will hope to feel the energy of Yule that you live each day.

Celebrate each season but shape each celebration with the Yule truth that giving of self is the greatest gift….to others and to the givers as well. Give and see the ten-fold return. Then give again. Then again. Yule fuel ignites flames of passion and belief. In self and in hope of what you can do. Yule is the gateway to destiny.

Yule 3

Look at the day that was designated as the right one and see what remains even just moments after. The joy in the preparation was but for a moment in the joy in the opening and then there was relief. Yes, there are exceptions when gifts meet needs and show the consideration of the giver to the receiver. Yet, far too much was expended for moments of smiles sandwiched between the stress of the preparation and the impact of the aftermath. Yet this is done each time and then vowed to be corrected with a resolve that fades quicker than the pine needles on a dying tree.

The joy of Yule should be deep and long as the love from a parent to a child. Yule is the key to linking what is needed here to what is possible there. Giving of self in unconditional love is the magick that moves you from mere giver to one that makes a difference. This can not be bought with coin of this realm for it must be purchased within yourself with the gift you were given as you use that gift to help others. This is not of one day but of everyday. Yule should drive you through the cycle of all time. Let this be the day that happens so that tomorrow and tomorrow’s tomorrow is as joyous as any Yule and as every Yule should be.

Yule 2

Let this Yule link with what others call it. Let it link to Christmas, Chanukah, Kwanza, Ramadan, Festivfus, Equinox, and dozens of other names that are commonly themed to the truest Yule. The Yule that asks the truest question of the truth of all of these days. “What did you give for Christmas?” It is time to take back this holiday from the money changers just as the one for which it is named took back the temple in a very human rampage against the wrong message in anyone’s name.

Christmas. Joy. Giving. Love. Peace. Who picked that this is but one day? A season to brighten but one month and then be packed away for 11 months? Who?

Learn that giving is all the time. Learn that the more you sacrifice to and for others, the more you have. Lead by example in this each and every day. Move to those that link what you do this day to what will be remembered of you long after you are of another existence. Let this Yule be the one that opened you to ultimate gift you can give to others. Give yourself and all you are so that others will taste the intensity of your love for all humanity.

Yule 1

Believe.

Yule

The return of the light. Solstice..when the darkest time comes and we mark the return to light. It comes in the coldest time and celebrates the warmth. Celebrated with the fire of the Yule log as well as the green of the Holly leave, this is the time to know the coldest time has gone and we come back to the light.

Yule has be claimed by many. Many of its traditions rolled into other traditions and then those into other traditions. It is all that it was and more thanks to this synergy that spread it wider and further in what is felt and loved about Yule. Embrace what you have learned to the best of all things this time of year and spice it with the seasoning of your gifts that are to be shared with the world.

Samhain 32

Samhain draws to a close. On the Eve of the Solstice, those connected, and those connecting, to the SOURCE are drawn to reflection and processing. A quieter time that is full with the noise of acceptance and adjustment. The land goes to rest under the mantle of white even if only in memory or fantasy. Drawn inwards. Time to rest. Time to celebrate. Time to do both.

The changes are many. That will not stop for the fortunate. Change is growth. For those connecting, this is a time of birth. Inner birth. Of the new self.

Samhain 31

The linkage to the SOURCE is the purest of energy and will not be understood until tasted truly. There is a life force akin to the blood in the veins that is known in the physical of this realm. Akin since that is the closest example that can be processed by those that taste of it for the first time.

It flows to them and waits until they learn to feed. Once they open to feeding, the hunger opens them wider and wider. Just as the nursing infant opens and suckles each time the hunger causes need.

This life force is the blood of the metaphysical. Bringing life to what was in a stasis of sorts……laying in wait for awareness and guidance. Most of this realm sense that metaphysical but know not how to bring true life to it. Those of the herd move to the SOURCE more and more once they see that is the feeding SOURCE of this sweet Energy. The SOURCE itself feeds in a fashion as well but not in a way herd would understand but rest assured the SOURCE feels the growth.

Samhain 30

The joy of gathering will help each. Things of old. Things of new. Shifts in what was and who was as well as who will be and what they will be. Be open to it and welcome it with the sweet innocence of acceptance. That special place is very real. It is also not just a place to visit but to remain even while here and that is the key to understanding yourself. Once you see that there and here are both of you and you of them, move to those that understand that. Then settle into your place in joy and thrust forward to your destiny.

Samhain 29

Embrace the memories the flow as this special time. These memories are part of the now in how they shaped and these memories are part of what comes as sure as everything about you is part of what you become. The child that was never left and should not be forgotten.

Samhain 28

Run to it. Run with abandon and glee. The feet will fly with confidence and the heart will sing with bliss. Feel how much you are understood and loved. Feel how much they want you to feel the joy. Patience has been the investment and joy is the reward.

This is a time for the children in each of the herd. Inside each is the child and that child is not gone nor will that child ever be gone. That child is different for it has been re-born as what it is. That brings all it was and so very, very much more. There is a wish of knowing then what you know now and, for the child within each of the herd, that wish comes true at Yule.

Samhain 27

Share and do and then repeat as necessary. Do and share and then repeat as necessary. Sometimes just do. Variation is the spice of life.

Samhain 26

Mending can be slow when injuries are deep. However slow, the pain will lessen if the focus is on healing and accepting the injury as passed. The Energy of healing is from all and to all. Feel not alone in your suffering for once of the tribe and the herd, you are never alone. You are only alone when you choose to be and you are the only one that can make that choice based on your actions or your inactions. Choose wisely so that the healing quickens.

Samhain 25

Work in trust that the rewards will come. The labors grow harder and that consumes much of the time where the sweetness would be savored but fear not for the joy of the physical and emotional comes soon. Let the harness dig deeper when the labors are at the most intense for the tending and keeping will be in direct proportion to the intensity of the work.

Samhain 24

In the heavens are answers. Sit and look there. Feel the calling of the vastness. Let the crisp of the cool and the now embrace this vessel and journey there. Alone in a solace that is so needed at times. Be in a quiet spot but not a silent spot. Let the wind whisper on your ear. Let the fire crackle randomly to spark and flare your reflections. This is true on the darkest and coldest times, inside and out.

Samhain 23

Link what you are to what you become for all that came before was preparation. This does not mean to keep all that you were for some would slow or even anchor you. Bring forth the strong and the good. Leave the rest behind with thanks for having made you what you are.

All of the past, the good and the bad, will be honored in that fashion. All to come will be bettered in that same fashion. Bring forward what can be salvaged and is in good stead. Leave the wreckage behind in tribute to the survival that moves you to health and happiness. The view from the wreckage will not change. Go forth to the beauty.

Samhain 22

Choose wisely how and who you help. Many will seek your assistance. The energy of the Feminine and the SOURCE will draw them to you. Some seeking what you are part of. Some seeking part of you. Be wise while also judicious as you dispense your help.

Helping others heal is wise. Trying to heal others is not only unwise but impossible. Helping others work their issues and problems is humane. Taking responsibility for other’s issues and problems is inhumane. Help the seekers find. Do not help the takers take.

Samhain 21

What is measured, improves. What is measured and reported, improves exponentially. That is key to the control of anything. Tracking something is good unto itself. Reporting and taking actions on those reports is good stewardship and results in a higher return on all investment. There is the beginning of that now and, as it increases, there will dramatic changes.

Samhain 20

The shifts show the ebb and the flow of the river of change. There were things that were sought and given that now ease back to what was but what was is different. What makes the feeling that return to what was is different? That is transformation. Just as something common tastes different once away from it for a while.

There is irony in that returning to what was and variations of what was reinforces how much you and yours have changed. Testimony to the wonder of conditioning, accepting, and control. Growth embodied.

Samhain 19

Productivity grows as the herd accepts the trust of the rulers. This is crucial for slaves are such special creatures. Giving so freely of everything they are and everything they have. It is sad that the word slave was used to describe forced servitude and led to such atrocities and abuse. True slavery is a calling. To place all in the hands of insightful, caring, and loving rulers is a trust only a few dare to live and even fewer dare to accept. Slaves accept the danger of hurt and abuse and do so in the ultimate hope that the rulers are true to the beauty of the calling of slavery. Those of the herd will be in the hands of the tribe and the tribe ensures their herd is used wisely, well, and often.

Samhain 18

See the wonders that touch all as the Energy breaks through and moves all to new levels. As the herd moves in trust, it begins to understand that expectations are actually limitations for the unaware seek to shape things to expectations. As the herd questions less by definitions that no longer apply, it is taken to places that reinforce the magnitude and power of what comes to each of them. As the herd sees through its new eyes, it pulls forward eagerly for each wants to be in place and not be left behind.

Samhain 17

The right choices will not always be the easiest ones. This is when the strength of trust will be essential for each. This is when that very trust is tested but with each test the trust will be even stronger. The weakness will surface and look for the easier path but do not succumb to the weakness for that will only delay the inevitable. These are not easy things. These are not joyous things. These are right things. The pain will pass. The trust in the SOURCE, those of the SOURCE, and with the SOURCE will sustain tribe and herd.

Samhain 16

The changes are fast and furious now. There is an edge to things and that edge shows only sharpening in the future. There is a decisiveness that shows the gathering storm of action. The herd ran into the woods and hid for a bit. Filled with questions and doubt thought long gone. The herd licked its wounds and wallowed in self pity with even the sight of the path lost. The herd longed and longs now exposed in those longings.

Now it is to be placed back to work and shown the path under its new condition. The absolute lack of control craved now and forever. The SOURCE eased it back from hiding where it hid from self only. The herd is exposed and named new now. Prepared for what it thinks is coming. Shown it underestimates and follows only now.

Samhain 15

Those of herd and tribe will at times taste loneliness. It will feel as punishment and the sting of discipline. The beasts accept this as sure as judgment of the SOURCE. This reminds all of place as well as need. In darkness and cold, fears are faced and the depth of slavery and calling are shown. Capable beasts of burden move to that slavery with new respect for the SOURCE. This is the Power of the Feminine unleashed. This is the energy of the SOURCE. This is the new reality.

Samhain 14

The energy of the SOURCE pushed through the darkness and showed another the joy of insight. The sweetness of connecting to SOURCE and moving to place was as if a celebration of Sabbath. Riding the drum beat to dreamscape of scenes and images made clearer in review. Images of and from the Feminine as tribe and herd shined through distinctly and fueled the appetite and belief of another seeker.

Samhain 13

Service is a journey and the herd journeys forth. Facing things unexpected. Addressing inner fears in new ways. The bumps in the path jostle and toss as sure as boulders and ditches. That is the nature of movement. When the pain erupts from within, there is no hiding for the agony is where ever the beast is. Labors numb the hurt as time heals. The tribe will know more of their herd after the treatment and the beasts will be better harnessed and yoked. The connection will be even stronger for those that pass through the pain.

Mad as a Hatter (Recycled)

Open a can of dog food and feed it to the cat.

Dance in your pajamas and sleep in a top hat.

Have breakfast for dinner and cereal for lunch.

Save while you still borrow and spend before you have.

Smile while you panic and tell the world you’re glad.

Bizzaro is real easy, truth is fucking hard.

Samhain 12

The full moon burned changes and that will very often be the case. For some, the burn fueled the passion and the joy. For others, the fire scarred and injured. For all linked to the SOURCE, the forging will result in strength. The fall from the mountaintop can be painful but the next mountain offers even more spectacular joy.

Samhain 11

The adjustments are many and the shifts continue. The herd is up to the challenge and the tribe protects and shapes. Energy surges inside each from places far and near to embrace and even chain with sweetness. There is that much motion in the cosmos that pulses to each connected to deep inside their soul. This journey begins deep inside and then goes even deeper. To the core. Core of self. The core of self is the pathway to the SOURCE. Few go deep enough inside to link to SOURCE but that is the way of the herd and the tribe.

Cheers (Recycled)

Created by the Moneychangers, a mighty damn good elf.

Seemed to know him better than I knew myself.

Sewing what we reap and reaping what we sew.

Hanging by our balls and singing bout the snow.

Gifts of touch we have and things that need no box.

Charge away our happiness to give what we have not.

Curries and Ives me please to dear old Hickory Farms.

Must be something here to eat that won’t do too much harm.

Fa La La. Fa La La and a couple of ho-dy hoes.

Star Light. Kid Light. Alright. Things bright. Blue Light.

Buttons and Bows. Who’s gonna know?

A-shopping we will go.

Ho-dy fucking ho.

Samhain 10

The herd sees clearer now. Embracing what comes since what comes builds the worth of all in the herd. The processing is quicker and far less painful. The acceptance of being led fuels the pace. The feet are not dug in anymore. The herd does not stand and watch now but moves in tandem. While what is ahead has not been, nor ever will be, revealed completely, the herd sees that what is ahead is much better than what was behind or even what is here. The herd sees it wants to move forward.

Mustang (Happy Birthday to my brother, Jack Shaeffer)

Mustangs make me think of him. Real Mustangs. THE Mustang. 1964 Candy Apple Red Mustangs. He had one. Brand new when they were brand new cool. Before they became even cooler over time. He had a new one and it just fit him because he was that cool. He was my older brother, my idol, the coolest of cool. Of course, he had to have the coolest car ever. It only made sense. He showed up in the car one day and it was natural that he did.

He was more to me than any other male at the time. More than Roy Rogers. More than Elvis. More than my father. More than any priest, politician, or hero…and he was my brother. He eeked cool. He had a leather studded garrison belt that he handed down to me. His hair was slicked back and pushed up in the front just like the guys in movies and the best TV shows. He was living cool and he was my brother. Old Spice was his choice of cologne, Elvis was his choice in music, don’t push me around was his attitude, he had a tattoo….and he was my brother. At that moment in time, he was what I wanted to be when I grew up.

When he joined the Air Force, joining the Air Force became cool. His garrison hat had a 50-mission crush before it was called a 50-mission crush. It was his hat, his way. When the way it looked was called a 50-mission crush, that became cool too. It was his first. He was cool before cool had other names. If I looked up cool in my life’s dictionary, his picture would there, circa 1964. He changed since then. I changed since then. The world changed since then. Yet, cool survived.

Mustangs are even cooler, Elvis even bigger, and memories even sweeter. Cool took lots of different shapes over the decades. Some cools are silly in hind site. Some past the test of time and still feel cool. He is like that. Cool is his because it was his first. Cool stays with him and always will. He is my brother and that is so damn cool that it trumps all other cools. He is the root of all cool and everything else follows our first cool.

He crashed the Mustang. Tore it in two in a crash that would have killed some. He broke a few ribs and wondered what the fuss was all about. He was cool even in a hospital bed having just dodged death in a Ford. The Mustang was gone but the cool was still his and would be regardless of what he drove or where he went. Cool was his and stayed with him…..after all, he is my brother. That is so very cool.

Happy Birthday, Jack.

I love you, Gil.

Samhain 9

Be the example for in being the example the appreciation of self and place begins. Open to usage in ways that take you close to the SOURCE. As you serve, see what you have and how the service completes you. Take from those moments the sweetness of the energy for that is the sustainment so necessary for those times away from tribe and herd.

Know that you are never truly away. Once of SOURCE, you are with SOURCE and SOURCE is with you. SOURCE does not just accept, SOURCE selects. SOURCE does not just use, SOURCE improves. SOURCE does not just tolerate, SOURCE understands. SOURCE does not just own, SOURCE values. SOURCE does not just care, SOURCE loves.

Change

Knock, Knock.

Who’s There?

Change.

Change Who?

Change you, that’s who.

Change your locks.

Change your password.

Change your diet.

Change your banks.

Then change your underwear cause you are going change even more.

Hope you are doing enough because we all deserve joy.

People panic all around, running from the mirror of self to avoid the forest fires that may burn their beliefs.

Some scream out their pain in blame hoping for the company of others that surrender responsibility.

Changes comes.

Messages, messengers, cosmic signs, revelations, re-evaluations, economic upheavals, political promises, system failures, terrorist attacks, wars for peace, counterinsurgency, special bulletins, bank defaults, tea parties, gay bashing, teeth gnashing, Mayan seminars, crystal skulls, chem trails, underwear bombs, full body scans, partisanship, demonstrations, recriminations, recessions, genocides, and suicides.

The word is out. Duck and cover, slash and burn, scrimp and save, gate your community, retire early, stock your larders, cash out your IRAs, short sell, long sell, re-sell, bankrupt, dig in, dig out, but dig it.

Change comes.

Worthy

Kneel to your Master. Crawl forth to the almighty dollar and surrender your worth. Ensure you show your gifts for then you may be valued and the Lord may allow you to travel and be with the Chosen Ones. The Master may allow you to be one of the elite. To live among them…safe from the rabble.

Come. Kiss the feet and beg for your portion. Give your time. Demonstrate your obedience. Give deeper obedience and be granted more worth. Accrue. Invest. Increase. More will come as you show your worth in the ways of the marketplace. More will be yours to give to those you love.

The Master is generous to those that give. You do not want to feel the worthlessness of being without the Master. Put the Master before your family and you will be granted great riches that will be theirs in your memory. Put your service to the Master before your self and the Master will tend to the wreckage as your frail body crumbles to nothingness. Health is in your Master’s hands. Wealth is in your Master’s hands. The Master’s measure is your gauge for all things. The Master determines the worthy and the worthless. If it does not come from the Master, it has no worth.

Beware of the hands out. Hands that fail to serve the Master and expect your rewards to be theirs. Hands that have not sacrificed as you have. Hands that will drain your worth later when you need it the most. Beware of them for they will pull you down to their level. They would have you depend on others. Beware for they have not earned. They do not understand. They have not paid their dues. They expect a portion of what is yours and there is not enough to go around.

Come to the Master. Learn the skills to move above the place of your parents. Rise to ever better places and have ever better things. Please the Master and let the world see what you have amassed. Let them witness your good fortune and see it in the riches and pleasures that are yours because you live life on your Master’s terms. Come. Kneel so that you may find the peace that is yours when you have the worth that only money can buy. Come. Kneel. Show that you have learned the ways of your God. You have nothing to give unless it comes from the Master. Come and feel your place of peace.

Another Anniversary? (Happy 38th to my wife, Sharon)

Five years longer than Jesus.

Miracle in many ways.

Weddings and funerals and costume parades.

Boxes and moving and goings away.

Mourning and worries and bills to be paid.

Children and laughter and birthday mobiles.

Elvis, Melissa, and musical bliss.

Five years longer than Jesus.

Years built day by day.

Virginia and Texas and where we are.

Clunkers and cherries and now just one car.

Leather and lace but mostly blue jeans.

Taxes and tattoos and who we are.

Cancer, toothaches, and morning breath.

Five years longer than Jesus.

Likely we’ll stay.

Faces and places but just a few fights.

Cheesecake and coffee and cuddles at night.

Breakfasts and lunches and even nights out.

Dancing and reading and wow we did that?

Loving, sharing, and changing the rules.

Five years longer than Jesus.

Lucky I’d say.

Real, real lucky I’d say.

Happy Anniversary to the girl I sat behind in tenth grade English.

Hallmark doesn’t have a card for us.

Happy 38^th, Sha

I love you, Gil

Emotional Shit

I am on the edge of darkness and know it. Anxious and ready to snap. My emotions are in a new place. Right on the surface. On the outside almost. They used to be deep inside. Where I could feel them and control them. Kinda. They used to be much, much deeper. It was easier then. Easier to move and pretend to feel rather than really feel. Easy to go to that place and say it was alright for them to come and play at life for a while. My emotions were there when I needed them and I knew when it was alright to need them.

Sure, they ran amok at times. A bit when Dad died but that took some joints and a crash I could blame on weed rather than really feeling. A lot when Mom died. The boy came right to the surface and cried at the graveside even though I was all grown up and in uniform and everything. The tears came and wouldn’t stop and I didn’t care. Actually, I did care and didn’t care who saw that I did. The emotions ran amok that day but that was understandable.

They hid for a while after that free-for-all. They hid about a year and then burst out of prison when I really had to let Mom go. Had to realize she was dead and I was alone and that was the way it was gonna be forever. So I went on a hike and let the vengeance come until I could feel again and stop hurting. She died and I was dead for about a year but moved through life anyway. Emotions are part of life. Death is part of life. Emotions are part of dealing with death.

Now, it is different. I feel everyday. Really feel. Really love. Really understand. Really cry. Undercover Boss brings tears to my eyes. My grandkids bring smiles that start deep and burst to my eyes and then all over my face. I watched some damn show with that really quirky and cute actress and understood exactly what the actor that played her brother meant when he said he was angry all the time. He was angry at being angry. He struggled to understand why he was so angry at things beyond his control. He punched a guy in the face in the Supermarket and felt good about it. He knew enough that feeling good about it was bad but he felt good about it all the same. Sometimes we feel so much we just do. We do and then wonder what the hell we did and why we lost control.

Control is bullshit. We try to control our feelings by not feeling. We buy into the shit that men don’t cry. We try to live up to some image. Some stereotype. Some bullshit bravado that says don’t show your emotions. Emotions just get in the way. In the way of what? Feeling? I feel. Used to control my feelings and then realized I was trying to feel what I was told was right to feel and when it was authorized. Trying to react in the way I was told was right. Bullshit. Feel! Feel deep and long and hard. Laugh loud at silly shit. Cry when you need to cry. Feel enough to realize that emotions are felt…not controlled. We are emotional creatures and that is our strength.

My emotions are at the surface now. My soul is there for people to see. My soul likes the light. I used to control my emotions. Now I feel them. I honor them. I choose to live at the emotional truth that is my humanity.

Music is sweeter and more important. Hugs are realer and kisses deeper. Kids are kids and that is enough. Emotions are what we need. We need to feel when we see pain in the world and care enough to do something about it. We need to feel the disgust of hate and deceit and ensure it feels unwelcome in our world. We need emotions. Beginning with love. Ending with love. With love in between and all around. I love my emotions. Holy shit, I think I really love my emotions. Holy shit. Holy shit! Whoa Man. I think I really love my emotions. Holy, Holy, Holy shit.

No more bottling them up. We bottle them up and calmly make bombs that kill people we don’t even see. We bottle them up and then beat the shit out of someone weaker so we can then cry when we say how sorry we are. We bottle them up and then rage at the car that dared to get in front of us just before the turn off. We bottle them up and then try to drown them with stuff from another bottle. We bottle them up and screw up our bodies, our lives, and a lot of stuff we touch. We bottle them up and blame anything and anyone for the shit state of the world. If that is control, jam it up your ass and watch me laugh like a maniac. I might laugh so hard I cry. Depends on how I feel. I feel a lot nowadays. A real lot. Still trying to understand how I feel about that. Got a feeling it will turn out alright once it stops feeling shitty and hard. I just have to learn how to feel and not do anything about it. Doing is often an excuse for not feeling. Feeling is about feeling. Doing come later….after we understand what we feel. Let’s not mistake reaction for action. Deal?

A very important Birthday (Happy Birthday to my wife, Sharon Van Wagner)

Birthdays are important. Each of us have one and that day feels sorta special each year when we remember when we arrived and kinda celebrate that we made it through another cycle around the sun. We like that we are here and measure how long we live based on own very special birthing time. Birthdays are important.

One of the most important birthdays in my life isn’t even my own. It happened after mine. Almost 10 months after. In the state next to the state where I was busy learning that milk came from less beautiful places, too. New York, in fact. (Not the milk. The state next to my state. Keep your mind on my words and not on my images.) A birth that had to happen after mine so she could say she was younger all the time. She had to be born then to the people that were her Mom and Dad. It had to be that way so they could move around a bit and end up in Keansburg at exactly the right time. At exactly the time she thought she wanted to meet boys and I was discovering new hungers, too. If she hadn’t been born to those parents and ended up in my life at exactly that time, you would be reading about something else from someone else….even if that someone else was still me. I am who I am because of meeting her when I did and doing the things we did from that time until this time.

Yes, we did those things. Once she got over not liking me and I got over not liking her, we did those things a lot. A real lot! We did those things in the back seat of cars, in her house, my house, a delivery van, on some pine needles, then in North Carolina, Germany, Massachusetts. Florida, England, Virginia, Texas, Utah, and even on trips, too. Those things like sharing and caring and loving and changing. Those things that made us an us and then let us become me and her without losing the us part.

Her birthday had to be when it was and where it was so she could be who she was and is and becomes. Her birthday changed my life. She changed my life. Along the way, we each got better. We celebrated the highs together and weathered the lows together, too. We became parents and then grandparents. We fought and then made up. We changed and then adjusted. We are very different than we met and we get a little more different as the years become decades and the odds of us making it increase a bit everyday.

Today marks the day of a very important birthday to me and it ain’t even my birthday. Birth is once. Love is forever.

Happy Birthday, Sharon

I love you, Gil.

Samhain 8

They will come crippled and hurt. Hiding from self with good cause yet with the seeker within peeking out in longing and need. They will come with expectations and desires, most often shaped by the very forces within each one that has pushed the seeker to the shadows in hopes of denying its very existence. Once the seeker within is shown the light of acceptance, it will emerge from the shadows. Cautiously at first for it has been beaten into hiding. Opposed by the complexity of denial and deceit that so effectively bound it.

This is the very purpose of the herd as others come to each of them with trust of a calling they do not even understand. The journey to the herd will be littered with barriers but still seekers will push them to it. A hope in almost final desperation to change. To understand. To be in the light of understanding and acceptance. Light that is theirs and always has been but that has been kept from them. Light that the herd lives as property of the tribe for the tribe is of the SOURCE. The SOURCE of all light.

Samhain 7

Each that enters your realm is there for a reason. See each as a chance to assist. Each is a chance for you to show by example. Example of compassion. Example of appreciation. Example of ability. See some as example to you and others for whom you will be an example.

In each of these cases, reflect afterwards in ways of insight and thanksgiving. That is why you are brought to others and others to you. It is for growth and for sharing. That is the way of tribe and herd.

A Question for Jesus

My moment with Jesus arrived. He looked like I thought he would. Except for his hair. Healthy. Happy. Robust. His smile was beautiful. Perfect teeth that shined almost as much as his eyes. His eyes was deep brown and his hair was short. That surprised me a bit. Always pictured him with long hair. Like the paintings. Like the time he lived. Folks had long hair and beards back then. Jesus had short hair and for some reason that made him feel more real.

Just him and me. I could ask him anything. So I did. Asked him about his birthday and the stress it caused. How the day was a challenge, emotionally and financially. How the pressure to ensure the day was perfect, the gifts were right, and the family all got along began building around Halloween and lasted well into the new year. How much it distracted from his birthday and peace on earth and goodwill to men. I asked him about that and how come it was that way.

He smiled when he answered. “Cause you brought into a whole bunch of crap that has nothing to do with me.”

“Any other questions?”

Veteran's Day

Somewhere there’s a memory that used to be at home. A face reduced to photographs as time keeps marching on.

Somewhere there’s a tombstone seen less each passing year. A name from distant longings next to strangers just as dear.

Somewhere there’s an empty seat where we would share our bread. Now there is just what used to be for another soldier’s dead.

Somewhere we feel sadness yet know what tomorrow tells. For people are still dying and families living through that hell.

Tomorrow's Child (For my granddaughter Gracie...Happy Birthday)

Writing for an audience beyond where you might ever go is a change for this writer. My words are normally timely. Of the moment. Sharing my truths be it from memory, mind, soul, or all of the above. I am a storyteller that stays in the story even when I try to step out of the story. This storyteller tells his story, others’ stories, wishful tales, dark sagas, hopeful yarns, emotional rants, and whatever the voices in my head say to share. The target audience is whoever needs and reads the words. What I write is for them even when I am not sure who they are or why they need it.

Today’s writing is a bit different. It is for someone I know right now. Yet it is for her later. Much later. When she is grown up and might wonder who that Pop-Pop guy really was. Much later. When she is as adult as her Mom and Dad are right now and they are where I am in the way of kids having kids and time marching onto wherever it beats second by second. This writing is different because it is for Gracie as she will be. Way up there beyond what I can see and even expect to see.

So it has an echo-y feel to it. Like I saying it from someplace else. Someplace that will have her hear me but feel her. Feel her as I know her now and as she knows herself in the fragmented memory that is our own knowledge of what we were when we were two years old.

She likely will not remember how grown up she was at two years old. She gave me looks that said she understood stuff she just could not understand at that age. She was a sage. She went from silent observer to not so silent observer in just a year. She is fully present in a way that amazes me. I see ancient wisdom in her eyes. She crosses time and space and says “I get it”. She comforts me each time I look in her eyes. Gracie is pensive as Elders are. She contemplates and shows understanding far beyond her years. Gracie is, fittingly, graceful and dignified. All that……at two years old.

Every so often, she becomes a kid again. I think she does that for my benefit. To remind me that whatever gifts we have, they are improved by living life as we are supposed to when we are supposed to. She is a kid because she is two years old. She is much more because she is much more and always will be.

Someday she will read this. Maybe. I think so. I hope so. Because I want her to know I saw her for what she was as well as what she will be. She is Grace. She is Hope. Just like kids and grandkids are supposed to be. They are why tomorrow matters so much. Gracie already knows that. I got to see it first hand.

Happy Birthday, Gracie.

I love you, Pop-Pop

Bumper Sticker This!

It’s official. I tried to think in Bumper Stickers. Had deep and wonderful thoughts about how we must feel and remember our yesterdays. Bring them forward in lessons learned and things celebrated. Looking there for blame and excuses is the mirror that avoids putting our face to what created today. If today is fucked up, I let it happen. You let it happen. We let it happen. We made it happen. Yesterday and the day before and the day before that. My today is the sum total of my yesterdays and everything I did, failed to do, should have done, shouldn’t have done, didn’t know I did, knew I shouldn’t have and did anyway….all that happy horseshit that flows out our mouths when we chase the tales of our yesterdays. Want to know what got you the way you are? You did. Yesterday. Face it. Get over with it. Get on with it. Treasure your yesterdays. Just don’t spend a hell of a lot time there. They’re over!

Then I thought about my tomorrows. Our tomorrows. My kids and grandkids and their kids and grandkids and all their tomorrows. There will be a lot more tomorrows than just mine. I have zero control about how many. I might be dead before I finish typing this sentence. Might be dead as you read it. Zero control over that. Yet, my tomorrows are effected by everything I do today. Everything. If I drive when I could have walked or waste shit because I have extra and can just buy more. If I sit on my ass and watch life rather than live it. All the things I do today directly effect my tomorrows. It also effects your tomorrows. The stuff you do today effects my tomorrows too and I have zero control over that. I do control what I do today and that has to be enough cause I am just one person. I will support those that make the choices I think are right for all our tomorrows. The rest of you? Wake up. Everything you do today effects us all so live like you have a damn clue, will you? I ain’t wasting my time and energy trying to show you how far up your ass you have your head. The world is fucked up and that is because of our yesterdays. Today, we fix it or fuck it up more. Me? I fixing it. I am glad if you are, too. We will have better tomorrows once we have better todays.

Today is what we have. It is all we have. If it is fucked up, we did that yesterday and have to do stuff different right now. What we do today matters. Forever. That is the truth. Every single thing we do today matters. What we say, do, think, eat, feel, touch, share, sing, kill, hug, breathe, fuck, kiss, hurt, heal, forgive, read, watch, wear, wash, clean, cuddle, love, hate, and any other action, reaction, or inaction that we live. Today is when we save the world we screwed up, improve the world we saved, and change the world we want tomorrow. Today is what we have. Yesterdays gone, tomorrow ain’t here, and now is what we have.

I walked and had those thoughts and tons of others. Tried to get it to a sound bite. A bumper sticker oozing with message, positivity, and depth. Something catchy, politically correct, and quick. “Treasure yesterdays, value tomorrows, and own today”. Maybe “Yesterday’s gone, tomorrow’s watching, and today is here.” So many possibilities. So many clever and right ways to get the word out there. To touch folks that hear and maybe ever a few that need that one nudge to really change. I wanted the Bumper sticker.

What the hell is that about? We are way beyond the bumper sticker stage. If you haven’t got the message by now, you need the bumper sticker on a train that runs you over to get your attention. No more bumper stickers. (Alright…a few more….but just because sometimes I like them.). If you can fit your message on a bumper sticker or a placard, run for office because some people believe in placards, sound bites, and one vote is all it takes to save the world.

I tried to think bumper sticker thoughts today. That is soooooooo yesterday. Retro, my ass. Let’s live today like it matter tomorrow. Cause it does.

If you are still reading, thanks. If you aren’t, cool. I can’t reach people who don’t read and think and do….don’t want too. My reach only goes so far. Meanwhile, I will be doing what I do and that matters tomorrow so I better do it right today,

“Tomorrow will be a lot better if we do the right things together today.” Kinda catchy, ain’t it? That won’t fit on a bumper sticker but that’s alright with me. We need less bumpers anyway. Remember, I was walking when all these thoughts flowed. Walking is a good thing….today and tomorrow. Try it. Please! Leave your bumper stickers home. Bumper stickers ain’t the target audience anymore. That’s a road too well traveled.

Father-Son (Happy Birthday to my son, Patrick Van Wagner)

We are a father and a son. He is a son and a father. There is a complexity in each of us. We are so different. We are so alike. Living under the same roof. Two men. Dancing around each other as equals and enigmas. We peacefully coexist. In silence. A few feet, several decades, and core values apart.

Respect keeps us at bay. Love keeps us together. I learn about myself more by being around him than likely from any other source. It is hard at times and that is when it is best for me. Then is when he really shines. For he is his own man. He made choices that are his and his alone. He lives with them with an acceptance that is likely bravado or bullshit but works for him. When I question it, it is my question to answer for the question is of me rather than of him. There comes a point when Fathers are not to question sons anymore. There comes a point when fathers have to realize the son they would question has become the man who has his own questions to handle. At some point, sons stop asking fathers. At that point, the man handles his own questions in his own way. My son is a man and it is my place to let him ask himself questions of his own making.

When I want to remember my son’s strength and beauty, I need only see him with his own son. He plays with him. Really plays with him. Two buddies. Just as his Grandfather wanted to do with his father and his father wanted to do with him. Yet, life kept us doing what was right. Right for who? For the kid that is now a Dad that plays with his son? I thought so. Maybe that is the reward for having missed a boat long ago and realizing my father missed that same boat. Maybe that is the lesson. Life is about learning.

Lessons learned as a man watching a man father in his way. My way was different than my father’s way. My father’s way was different than his father’s way. Life is a continuum of trying to get it right. I have evidence under my roof that my son loves his son more than life itself. Who am I to question whatever the hell I would question? He is a good man for being a good father. That is enough. Maybe that is my lesson. Maybe that is his gift to me. He is different. As a father, he is different. As a man, he is different. What is the same is that he loves his son just as I love him and my father loved me. That is enough. More than enough when it is all said and done.

Happy Birthday, Pat.

I love you, Dad