I am on the edge of darkness and know it. Anxious and ready to snap. My emotions are in a new place. Right on the surface. On the outside almost. They used to be deep inside. Where I could feel them and control them. Kinda. They used to be much, much deeper. It was easier then. Easier to move and pretend to feel rather than really feel. Easy to go to that place and say it was alright for them to come and play at life for a while. My emotions were there when I needed them and I knew when it was alright to need them.
Sure, they ran amok at times. A bit when Dad died but that took some joints and a crash I could blame on weed rather than really feeling. A lot when Mom died. The boy came right to the surface and cried at the graveside even though I was all grown up and in uniform and everything. The tears came and wouldn’t stop and I didn’t care. Actually, I did care and didn’t care who saw that I did. The emotions ran amok that day but that was understandable.
They hid for a while after that free-for-all. They hid about a year and then burst out of prison when I really had to let Mom go. Had to realize she was dead and I was alone and that was the way it was gonna be forever. So I went on a hike and let the vengeance come until I could feel again and stop hurting. She died and I was dead for about a year but moved through life anyway. Emotions are part of life. Death is part of life. Emotions are part of dealing with death.
Now, it is different. I feel everyday. Really feel. Really love. Really understand. Really cry. Undercover Boss brings tears to my eyes. My grandkids bring smiles that start deep and burst to my eyes and then all over my face. I watched some damn show with that really quirky and cute actress and understood exactly what the actor that played her brother meant when he said he was angry all the time. He was angry at being angry. He struggled to understand why he was so angry at things beyond his control. He punched a guy in the face in the Supermarket and felt good about it. He knew enough that feeling good about it was bad but he felt good about it all the same. Sometimes we feel so much we just do. We do and then wonder what the hell we did and why we lost control.
Control is bullshit. We try to control our feelings by not feeling. We buy into the shit that men don’t cry. We try to live up to some image. Some stereotype. Some bullshit bravado that says don’t show your emotions. Emotions just get in the way. In the way of what? Feeling? I feel. Used to control my feelings and then realized I was trying to feel what I was told was right to feel and when it was authorized. Trying to react in the way I was told was right. Bullshit. Feel! Feel deep and long and hard. Laugh loud at silly shit. Cry when you need to cry. Feel enough to realize that emotions are felt…not controlled. We are emotional creatures and that is our strength.
My emotions are at the surface now. My soul is there for people to see. My soul likes the light. I used to control my emotions. Now I feel them. I honor them. I choose to live at the emotional truth that is my humanity.
Music is sweeter and more important. Hugs are realer and kisses deeper. Kids are kids and that is enough. Emotions are what we need. We need to feel when we see pain in the world and care enough to do something about it. We need to feel the disgust of hate and deceit and ensure it feels unwelcome in our world. We need emotions. Beginning with love. Ending with love. With love in between and all around. I love my emotions. Holy shit, I think I really love my emotions. Holy shit. Holy shit! Whoa Man. I think I really love my emotions. Holy, Holy, Holy shit.
No more bottling them up. We bottle them up and calmly make bombs that kill people we don’t even see. We bottle them up and then beat the shit out of someone weaker so we can then cry when we say how sorry we are. We bottle them up and then rage at the car that dared to get in front of us just before the turn off. We bottle them up and then try to drown them with stuff from another bottle. We bottle them up and screw up our bodies, our lives, and a lot of stuff we touch. We bottle them up and blame anything and anyone for the shit state of the world. If that is control, jam it up your ass and watch me laugh like a maniac. I might laugh so hard I cry. Depends on how I feel. I feel a lot nowadays. A real lot. Still trying to understand how I feel about that. Got a feeling it will turn out alright once it stops feeling shitty and hard. I just have to learn how to feel and not do anything about it. Doing is often an excuse for not feeling. Feeling is about feeling. Doing come later….after we understand what we feel. Let’s not mistake reaction for action. Deal?
No comments:
Post a Comment