My Father's Son

Below the emotions are the truth. The opportunity to understand. The chance to truly accept that what you feel about him is really about you. To embrace what you feel and why you feel it. To be in the darkness, weakness, sadness, disappointment, frustration, and anger and feel them for what they are….your issues. To peel back and then peel back again. Lashing self and ripping through the reaction to the catalyst. That is the right thing to do.

The truly human thing is to know that it is all about you. Then to own it and see the chance to be even better. To do even more. To offer even more. To stand by. To be. To continue to reach and love and embrace and welcome.

I wanted to be less. Wanted to speak it in other ways. Wanted to act on it. Wanted to be righteous as well as right. I wanted to be mad. At him. At what he does and does not do. At what he is and what he is not. At what he takes. The proof mounted and then mounted more. Others saw it too. Others felt it too. Witnesses. Evidence increased. I was in the volcano. Became the volcano. Then went into my passion and owned it. Wrestled it to submission and held it to the mirror of my soul.

It is almost right now. Right in what I feel and why I feel it. That is just the beginning. Now it is time to see the opportunity. To know how to do even more and make myself proud of this moment by rising above it. To dive into the greatness of it and soar. It is about me. What I feel about him is about me. What I do with what I feel is about me. He needs me to be more than human. He needs me to be more than what I was and all that I can be. I need that too. I need to be better. Truthful to self and all. To feel totally. I shall face myself….and be myself.

So I write to myself about myself and read and then re-read. To make sure I hear myself. To help me learn and grow. To help me be better than I am. These are my words to me about me. It is always about me. Even when I know for sure it is about him. Especially when I know it is about him. After all, I am his Father.

My love for him is about me. How I deal with him is about me. He needs my best and I shall ensure he gets it. Whenever I wish he were better, I know I need to be better. I need to be at my best…so he can be at his. Fathers lead….by example. All the time. I need to show him my best. What he learns from me is about him. What I teach him by example is about me. It is all about me. I want the best for him…that means I have to give him my best.

The emotions will pass. The choice of Fatherhood is forever. My father taught me that...by example. Sometimes he treated me like a son. Sometimes he treated me like a man. Even when I was screwing things up….he let me be my own man. He prayed for me to make the right choices. He did his best to let me be. He was there for me. He did his best. I shall do mine.