I looked for my relevance and it wasn’t there. Not the life changing, mid life, see the bald guy in the Vette kinda thing. Just a quiet inside awareness of life choices and their long-term impact. Right age. (Midlife crisis in the 50s. Either we are just bad at math or eternal optimists thanks to Willard Scott). Right time. Right place. It seems easy for me. To reflect and say quietly,,,,,”Wow, blew that one.” Then think more and watch rather than feel the sting of “What was I thinking?” Interesting to be so deep into the process that it is lived as well as observed.
Years of changes helped. Some made. Some foisted upon the sometimes slow to grasp the evidence at hand believer in SOURCE that I am. Years of preparation. Broke me. Yet I remained in tact. My life was just broken into a million little pieces. Shiny bobbles that I looked at one by one. Gems that assembled into something more façade than real in reflection. They shined quite beautifully. Felt wonderful in my hands covered with the eyeballs of hindsight. Understood the beauty in each one. Mistakes shown. Wisdom spread in the wreckage as well. The gambit of the priceless along with the worthless collected by the clueless.
Seems this is when folks get bitter. Dive into bottles. Hide inside drugs. Get really bad haircuts. Lose their fashion sense. End up in places with “Yeah, I belong” on their faces and a “Holy Shit” feeling in their gut. Run for the borders of all they know. That is the stereotype. The expected. Woooo Hooooo. I ain’t typical. Not this time. A ten-year head start might be my key to being different. Left the military a decade ago and entered the world I had prepared for and prepared. Lived the dream of the Defender of Truth, Justice, and the American Way. Exited the guard post and headed into the bank vault. Yahoo, Bobba Looey. Where are my withdrawal slips? Time to make some money and live the dream.
Didn’t feel greedy. Didn’t feel wrong. Didn’t feel disconnected from reality. In fact, I felt damn good. Had lots of stuff and got more stuff and the money was rolling in fast. Almost as fast as I could spend it. Alright, not that fast. Still, money would come so bills were not an issue. Could liquidate if I had to and that meant I was solid. Had enough savings and investments to pay all the bills so the ride was safe and sound. Worked hard, spent fast, and traveled tons.
Things changed. Drastically. Forever. In ways beyond my expectations that tested my limitations and challenged my foundation. My foundation turned out to be pretty damn solid. (Man, it is good I was well laid. A good foundation comes in handy when your world crumbles to pieces). Turned out my foundation was just well hidden by the stuff I thought meant living. Had to excavate. Had to dust off the remnants of my monetary Pompey.
I am living archeological dig. Can you dig it? My logic went astray. Arch-logic. Bizarro thinking that become my reality. A life inside the dream I defended and then pursued with vigor and even righteousness. A life not relevant because it was disconnected. Disconnected from nature and the rest of the world…at least the world that did not have unlimited resources and the innate right to everything on the planet.
The dig is a work in progress. After all, the foundation survived and that is important. My life went to pieces, my world expanded, and my spirit soars. Digging out from under and adjusting to the light is a bit like birthing…..it happens at its own speed. Good to know the foundation is ready all the same. Rocky starts, Rocky Horrors, Rocky Road Ice Cream, Rocky and Bullwinkle.......all go better on solid foundations.
No comments:
Post a Comment